you think you can skate...

...then you dig up some old footage of rodney mullen from 20 yrs ago --- respect due.

pet peeve...

when hookers get part of your 8ball on the pink flocked bedspread that's been in the family for 3 generations.

living after midnite...

so this dude i know is like peter pan. not only does he not wanna grow-up, but he insists on maintaining a 70's dress code inspired by his childhood heroes. his boyhood affinity for older women and the whole 'mrs. robinson'-thing i totally get when one is in their teens --- but unfortunately, as he's aged he has maintained that 30 year age gap. it is, in fact, consistent with his philosophy of nubile poonanny: "if it ain't been used, then nobody wants it, if nobody wants it, then it ain't no good, if it ain't no good, then i don't wanna have anything to do with it!". while he raves about the toothless bj's, it's gotta be tough drinkin' with maw-maw and her weak stomach.

windows to the sole...

just returned from a family function that involved me being surrounded by a clusters of soccer-moms with less than stellar shoe choices. i was so mortified by the lack of imagination, ingenuity or panache on the part of the herd in total. by blurting out tourette syndrome-like phrases such as; "is your minivan blue? i think your lights were on", or "is that your katelyn in pink? she just did a full back layover without a spotter!", it afforded me to steal a few shots for evidence.

exhibit A: brown clog with man dress-sox. this woman has completely given up...

activist. super long brown crystal gayle hair. earthy, crunchy, crusty. alternative fuel vehicle. addicted to soap opera's to satisfy the commercial, material consumerism she proposes to rage against. used to go to burning man until drum circle proved to be another form of 'advertising' for networking telemarketers. stays informed thru prevention magazine. loves 24 hr news channels, but hates reality shows. cloth diapers for kids. whole foods market. organic clothing bought at co-ops, online guatemalan shirt dresses.

exhibit B: black open-toe ex-hooker wedge. this woman is still hanging on to her 'metal years'...

former 'exotic' dancer. old rock bitch. big roller spray curls. not a shoe, not a clog, not a sandal...but a post-clear heel. pines for 8th grade boyfriend to roll back into town and sweep her off her feet in '78 firebird she lost her virginity in. goes to gym in full make-up and match-y outfit sucking on a carmel frappacino in b/w sets of calf raises (to 'tone', of course). gets all news from usa today. addicted to reality tv
washes kids in the deep dish kitchen sink, when it's not full of paper plates from the corner arby's. thinks it's 'cute' to dress daughter in similar harlot-like clothing better suited for 'nickel nite' at a whorehouse. target. catalog shopping exclusively at victoria's secret.

exhibit C: brown mandal. this mom merely exists...

lunch lady. tight matted perm. prefers cafeteria food. wished tom hanks and meg ryan were in EVERY movie. keeps up on current events thru tv guide. buys whatever coupon available for newest huggies range. has same color crocs as daughter, even mirroring the exact same jibbitz flair. dislikes finding cold-water in dirty pans. loves tapioca pudding. walmart. dress barn

shit stain...

growing up, we picked on this kid we called "stain", short for "shit stain", as in; "barely worth a...". when i came across some douche actually choosing to call himself 'Stainboy', you can only imagine my excitement to reconnect with him 20 yrs after my crew's initial torment. unfortunately this particular axe wound is some 'nad from orlando. i mean, orlando, florida? hmmmmm, let's see who else is from orlando:


1. the backstreet boyz
2. delta burke
3. pat boone
4. three-fifths of n'sync

...i think you see where i'm going here. well it seems this self-proclaimed "good guy loner with a dark side"-artist is yet another spawn that escaped from the load his mother shoulda swallowed. not only does he borrow liberally from another artist, but full-on rips virtually the same composition in his own book this 'Stainboy' jackass just released. but i digress, let's get to his photo above:

1. 2003 mustang? 2003? ...'nuff said.
2. michael des barres, combo soccer-mom spike.
3. de facto mirrored aviators, just like his "bros"
4. fishnet tank, to show off the the "guns".
5. pistol belt buckle to compensate for his 'lack of cock'...this way he's packin' something below the belt.
6. leather pants. i mean EVERY hard-ass, straight dude i know still has the pair he wore under his tuxedo jkt from the 8th grade xmas dance to be "subversive"...but that was 30 YEARS AGO!
7. wilson's (p)leather jkt slung nonchalantly over right shoulder.
8. gold scorpion pendant that recently replaced his last one that was lost during a scuffle over the price of a b.j. in said photo-op back alley from a pre-op tranny.
9. what's the saying?; "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on
me?". i now know how what it woulda been like to buy that milli vanilli disc way back when, and how silly folks felt when the scandal broke!...but after coming across this, i wish i COULD blame it on the rain!

if, like me, you want the real deal and tired of people fakin' the funk --- do your homework.

are those georgia boots?...

...or red wings?

moustache rides...

...'nuff said.

coachella forecast: style deficit disorder

generation Y-indie kid:

hi, me and all my bro's look like a cross b/w glenn danzig and jack black. we have the right tattoo's and our girlfriends all look like wanna-be flower power hippies. we are sooooo eclectic and such a renaissance culture. we're into hip-hop, alternative AND trance but claim bad 80's fashion trends as our own. coachella was sooooo awesome...but, shhhh, don't tell anyone my dad put the tickets on his platinum card, and my mom's picking me up in our new rover as she drops me off at prep school --- it would blow my street cred.

old skool? how 'bout "turn-of-the-century-skool"...

saw these 2 old birds sitting at the bus stop and had to circle the block twice just to get into position to snap a pic. not only were they more 'street' than all the sneaker-freaker-wanna-be-never-were gangsta's, but the feisty ol' hellcat on the right was even posturing the kool moe dee "how ya like me now"-stance with the obligatory head-lean-hand-on-chin. here's how they weigh in...

streetwear 'nads: 10 deep skully, kid robot hoodie, upper playground tee, new era cap, supreme sweat, crooks&castles jeans and bathing ape kicks. waits in line for hours for latest nike dunk drop and collects vinyl toys to "express their vulnerable kid-at-heart vibe".

streetwear nana's: j.c. penny's corduroy driver cap, nike shell, patagonia rain slicker, "#1 grandma" tee, sears' chef pants, pro-keds kicks. waits in line for 1/2 price senior citizen breakfast at denny's and collects vinyl dishware 'cuz it's more durable than paper plates.

verdict: age & wisdom prevails over youth & speed

william gareth jacob busey, 1994

gary; "I came home one day, took off my windbreaker, and three bindles of cocaine fell to the floor. Well, my dog, Chili, who has short hair, came in and laid on her back with her legs in the air, and she rubbed all my cocaine on her back and side. I yelled, "No, Chili! No" So I got a straw, and I started brushing her hair and snorting where I saw cocaine. Back, butt, side -- not a spot was left. It took me 25 minutes to snort all the cocaine the dog had on her coat."

editorial: 'nuff said.

charles sherwood stratton, 1856

better known as tom thumb, this is a picture on his 18th birthday. exploited since the age of 5 by p.t. barnum he was a mischievous young man and world renown 'mack'! as if being a "little person" wasn't hard enough (???!!!). let's think about this for a second, consider what was happening in 1856:

1. during the 1850's, a total of 2,314,000 people arrive in the US. almost all come from germany, ireland, england, scotland and wales.

2. famine

3. yellow fever

4. The Fugitive Slave Bill that required the return of escaped slaves to their owners.

...and you think you have it bad with your "occasional" penicillin shot, the recall on the soy milk for your grande machiatto, the line "3 cars deep" in the drive-thru to your supersize value meal and your "micromanaging" boss who "sweats" you to stay off instant messaging long enough to perform "your job"!

so think about our lil' 2 foot, 6 inch friend as you hustle to barely make your lexus payment, sitting on college furniture of your 500 sq ft efficiency apartment, hoping NOT to have to fall back on cruising cougars at the neighborhood watering hole at happy hour. general tom thumb (as he was known to his friends) pulled it on alot less --- amongst cholera outbreaks and all ---respect due.

p.s. this picture scares the shit out of me.